Allen, Woody (1935 – ), US movie actor, comedian, & director
Eighty per cent of success is showing up.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
If God would just sneeze, I’d be happy.
The lion will lay down with the lamb, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Death doesn’t really worry me that much. I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
As Woody Allen once said about Woody Allen: “I prefer his earlier, funnier films.”
I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
